I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately. Several things have sparked it in my mind. I have to do a lot of self-reflecting for my doctorate program. I also had that extensive psych eval in order to get approved for surgery. Of course my kids are quick to either point out my flaws or irritate me with bad habits they got from me! Sometimes I take out frustrations on the people closest to me and I apologize. I don't mean to do that. The more pain I'm in...the more stressed I am...the more frustrated I am....the snippier and more withdrawn I become. The reality...is that I'm super pissed and disappointed in myself. Sometimes I feel like a failure. But...I'm not whining here...because I am doing everything possible to achieve my goals in spite of myself.
My biggest life struggle has been with weight. Like I said, overweight since I was 5. So embarassing. My mom used to drag me up north to a store called "Kids at Large" to do my clothes shopping. She had me in weight watchers when I was in elementary school. So I had to go to the weigh ins...but I wasn't old enough to count points...all I could do was eat what she fed me and then go be embarrased at the scale and made to feel bad and like a failure. Then I was teased a bunch growing up because of it, like it was my fault or like I was less of a person because of it. My problems with low self-esteem started very young!
Now that I'm 30. I struggle more than ever. I've lost the weight twice! TWICE! and gained most back. Talk about disappointing. I work hard. Just this past couple weeks I worked really hard to lost 9 lbs after my birthday. Well yesterday I ate a little off plan...not a ton...not even a lot...not even as much as my thin friends would eat...and I gained 5 lbs overnight. It is such a struggle for me.
This band represents freedom, confidence, success. I'm GOING to reach my goal. I'm GOING to keep it off. I'm GOING to feel better, if only in my head.
For now, bear with me if I do get stressed or angry....just realize when I'm feeling that way it is about me and I probably just need a hug and some support.
Another of my faults according to the shrink was that I don't express enough emotions. So I'm using this blog to get those thoughts and feelings out there. I'm not going to clutter fb with them so that all of my 400 closest friends don't have to read it, only those that want to. Yes..I hold things in. Yes I'm used to taking care of everyone elses' problems. I'm a fixer. I can't fix myself. There is NO cure for fibro or my back. So, I help others. It makes me happy to help others. Knowing that I can do something to make someone else's life better gives me something to think about and to do. I love being able to help.
I'm sorry to the people that love me that there isn't much of anything that you can do to help me feel better. I know how much you care and how much you want to help. I certainly wish there was something. What I need most is just love and support. Maybe someday something will come out that can help.
My first goal now is to get this weight off so I can feel better, look better, and be taken seriously about the chronic pain issues.
Wanna know some more flaws? I'm terrible with directions. I procrastinate like it's my job. I get impatient with people in my personal sphere. I can be indecisive because I want to make others happy and do what they want. I can be extrememly assertive, which can be bad and good. I'm stubborn...again bad and good. I get my feelings hurt easily. I get overwhelmed easy. If I get overwhelmed I don't want to do anything..and most of this is in my personal sphere NOT WORK. I'm completely different when it comes to work. At work I'm wholly focused on it and not on me. It's not about me. It's about what I can do for my students. How I can help them make their lives better and reach their goals. I LOVE MY JOB!
I'm so used to filling many different roles.
I'm learning as I go.
Be patient with me because it's all worth it.
<3 <3 <3
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